Act III
Scene 2
Another part of the wood
Oberon, King of the Fairies, enters.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
I wonder if Titania be awaked;
Then what it was that next came in her eye,
Which she must dote on in extremity.
Puck enters.
Here comes my messenger. How now, mad spirit?
What night-rule now about this haunted grove?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
My mistress with a monster is in love.
Near to her close and consecrated bower,
While she was in her dull and sleeping hour,
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
That work for bread upon Athenian stalls,
were met together to rehearse a play
Intended for great Theseus' nuptial day.
The shallowest thick-skin of that barren sort,
Who Pyramus presented in their sport,
Forsook his scene and entered in a brake.
When I did him at this advantage take,
An ass's noll I fixed on his head.
Anon his Thisbe must be answered,
And forth my mimic comes. When they him spy,
They thought he looked so ridiculous that they left him in the woods. The group agreed to meet there tomorrow, (although methinks they will deceive the ass).
I led them on in this distracted state
And left sweet Pyramus alone.
When in that moment, so it came to pass,
Titania waked and straightway loved an ass.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
This falls out better than I could devise.
But hast thou yet latched the Athenian's eyes
With the love juice, as I did bid thee do?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
I took him sleeping--that is finished, too--
And the Athenian woman by his side,
That, when he waked, of force she must be eyed.
Demetrius and Hermia enter.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Stand close. This is the same Athenian.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
This is the woman, but not this is the man.
Demetrius (The Rock)
O, why rebuke you The Rock?
Lay breath so bitter on your bitter foe!
Hermia (Tori)
Now I but chide, but I should use thee worse,
For thou, I fear, hast given me cause to curse.
If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,
Being o'er shoes in blood, plunge in the deep
And kill me too.
The sun was not so true unto the day
As he to me. Would he have stolen away
From sleeping Hermia? I'll believe as soon
This whole earth may be bored, and that the moon
May through the center creep and so displease
Her brother's noontide with th' Antipodes.
It cannot be but thou hast murdered him.
So should a murderer look, so dead, so grim.
Demetrius (The Rock)
So should the murdered look, and so should The People's Champion,
Pierced through the heart with your stern cruelty.
Yet you, the murderer, look as bright, as clear,
As yonder Venus in her glimmering sphere.
Hermia (Tori)
Out, dog! Out, cur! Thou driv'st me past the bounds
Of maiden's patience. Hast thou slain him, then?
Henceforth be never numbered among men.
O, once tell true! Tell true, even for my sake!
Durst thou have looked upon him, being awake?
And hast thou killed him sleeping? O brave touch!
Could not a worm, an adder, do so much?
An adder did it, for with doubler tongue
Than thine, thou serpent, never adder stung.
Demetrius (The Rock)
You spend your passion on a misprised mood.
The Great One is not guilty of Lysander's blood,
Nor is he dead, for aught that I can tell.
Hermia (Tori)
I pray thee, tell me then that he is well.
Demetrius (The Rock)
An if The Rock could, what should The Great One get therefor?
Hermia (Tori)
A privilege never to see me more.
And from thy hated presence part I so.
See me no more, whether he be dead or no.
Hermia exits.
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock says he approves of such a deal. The Rock is also suddenly feeling rather sleepy and will treat himself to a nap.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
What hast thou done? Thou hast mistaken quite
And laid the love juice on some true-love's sight.
Of thy misprision must perforce ensue
Some true-love turned, and not a false turned true.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Then fate o'errules, that, one man holding troth,
A million fail, confounding oath on oath.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
About the wood go swifter than the wind,
And Helena of Athens look thou find.
All fancy-sick she is and pale of cheer
With sighs of love that costs the fresh blood dear.
By some illusion see thou bring her here.
I'll charm his eyes against she do appear.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Oberon, I'm getting a little tired of being your errand boy. You send me on all these stupid love potion errands, telling me to anoint the man wearing "Athenian garments." Do you know how many men are walking around Athens wearing Athenian garments? A lot! So I put the potion on the eyes of the first man I saw wearing Athenian garments in the woods. And it's the wrong guy, so you scold me for it. Why do I have to be the Fairy servant anyway? Why can't I be the King. of the Fairies? You know why? Because I'm too damn nice! That's why! Well, I quit!
Oberon applies the nectar to Demetrius' eyes.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Come, now, Puck, you don't really mean that.
Puck, revealing a stick wrapped with barbed wire, chases Oberon.
They exit.
Lysander and Helena enter.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Why should you think that I should woo in scorn?
Scorn and derision never come in tears.
Look when I vow, I weep; and vows so born,
In their nativity all truth appears.
How can these things in me seem scorn to you,
Bearing the badge of faith to prove them true?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
You do advance your cunning more and more.
When truth kills truth, O devilish holy fray!
These vows are Hermia's. Will you give her o'er?
Weigh oath with oath, and you will nothing weigh.
Your vows to her and me, put in two scales,
Will even weigh, and both as light as tales.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
I had no judgment when to her I swore.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Nor none, in my mind, now you give her o'er.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Demetrius loves her, and he loves not you.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Yeah, I noticed.
Demetrius awakes.
Demetrius (The Rock)
O Helen, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!
To what, my love, shall I compare thine eyne?
Crystal is muddy. O, how ripe in show
Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!
That pure congealed white, high Taurus' snow,
Fanned with the eastern wind, turns to a crow
When thou hold'st up thy hand. O, let me kiss
This princess of pure white, this seal of bliss!
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
O spite! O hell! I see you all are bent
To set against me for your merriment.
If you were civil and knew courtesy,
You would not do me thus much injury.
Can you not hate me, as I know you do,
But you must join in souls to mock me too?
If you were men, as men you are in show,
You would not use a gentle lady so,
To vow and swear and superpraise my parts,
When, I am sure, you hate me with your hearts.
You both are rivals and love Hermia,
And now both rivals to mock Helena.
A trim exploit, a manly enterprise,
To conjure tears up in a poor maid's eyes
With your derision! None of noble sort
Would so offend a virgin and extort
A poor soul's patience, all to make you sport.
But now it's time for Helena to have her own little sport.
Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Mote, and Mustardseed enter running towards Lysander and Demetrius,
who, love-sick from the magic potion, are defenseless against the Fairies.
Hermia enters.
Hermia (Tori)
Lysander, there you are! What is going on here?
Helena signals to the Fairies and they exit.
Demetrius exits, staggering.
Dark night, that from the eye his function takes,
The ear more quick of apprehension makes
Wherein it doth impair the seeing sense,
It pays the hearing double recompense.
Thou art not by mine eye, Lysander, found:
Mine ear, I thank it, brought me to thy sound.
But why unkindly didst thou leave me so?
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Why should he stay whom love doth press to go?
Hermia (Tori)
What love could press Lysander from my side?
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Lysander's love, that would not let him bide,
Fair Helena, who more engilds the night
Than all yon fiery oes and eyes of light.
Oberon, his garments shredded from Puck's barbed wire, enters.
Why seek'st thou me? Could not this make thee know
The hate I bear thee made me leave thee so?
Hermia (Tori)
You speak not as you think. It cannot be.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoined all three
To fashion this false sport in spite of me.--
Injurious Hermia, most ungrateful maid,
Have you conspired, have you with these contrived,
To bait me with this foul derision?
Is all the counsel that we two have shared,
The sister' vows, the hours that we have spent
When we have chid the hasty-footed time
For parting us--O, is all forgot?
All schooldays' friendship, childhood innocence?
We, Hermia, like two artificial gods,
Have with our needles created both one flower,
Both on one sampler, sitting on one cushion,
Both warbling of one song, both in one key,
As if our hands, our sides, voices, and minds
Had been incorporate. So we grew together
Like to a double cherry, seeming parted,
But yet an union in partition,
Two lovely berries molded on one stem;
So with two seeming bodies but one heart,
Two of the first, like coats in heraldry,
Due but to one, and crowned with one crest.
And will you rent our ancient love asunder,
To join with men in scorning your poor friend?
It is not friendly; 'tis not maidenly.
Our sex, as well as I, may chide you for it,
Though I alone do feel the injury.
Hermia (Tori)
I am amazed at your words.
I scorn you not. It seems that you scorn me.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Of course, I scorn you. I scorn you for the deceitful things you've done and the pain you caused me, an innocent defenseless creature.
Hermia (Tori)
Defenseless? You didn't seem so defenseless when you had your team of Fairies beat up Demetrius and Lysander. I know all your tricks, Helena. You're not going to get away with anything.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
That's enough! I don't have to take anymore of your abuse.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Stay, gentle Helena. Hear my excuse,
My love, my life, my soul, fair Helena.
Helena exits.
Thanks a lot Hermia. Look what you did.
Hermia (Tori)
Why are you grown so rude? What change is this,
Sweet love?
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Thy love? Out, tawny Tartar, out!
Out, loathed med'cine! O, hated potion, hence!
Hermia (Tori)
Lysander, I can't listen to this anymore.
Lysander and Hermia exit, in opposite directions.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
This is the negligence of that worthless Puck.
I see these lovers seek a place to fight.
Therefore, I shall overcast the night;
And lead these testy rivals so astray
As one come not within another's way.
Like to Lysander sometime I'll frame my tongue;
Then stir Demetrius up with bitter wrong.
And sometime rail myself like Demetrius.
And from each other look I'll lead them thus,
Till o'er their brows death-counterfeiting sleep
With leaden legs and batty wings doth creep.
Then I'll pour this magic potion into Lysander's eye,
Whose liquor hath this virtuous property,
To take from thence all error with his might
And make his eyeballs roll with wonted sight.
When they next wake, all this derision
Shall seem a dream and fruitless vision.
And back to Athens shall the lovers wend,
With league whose date till death shall never end.
Then after I do all this by myself,
I'll to my queen and beg her Indian boy;
And then I will her charmed eye release
From monster's view, and all things shall be peace.
Lysander enters.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Where art thou, proud Demetrius? Speak thou now.
Oberon (Mr. Ass) in Demetrius' voice
Here, villain, drawn and ready. Where art thou?
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
I will be with thee straight.
Oberon (Mr. Ass) in Demetrius' voice
Follow me, then, to plainer ground.
Lysander exits.
Demetrius enters.
Demetrius (The Rock)
Lysander, speak, again.
Thou runaway, thou coward, art thou fled?
Speak! In some bush? Where dost thou hide thy head?
Oberon (Mr. Ass) in Lysander's voice
Thou coward, art thou bragging to the stars,
Telling the bushes that thou look'st for wars,
And wilt not come? Come, recreant! Come, thou child!
I'll whip thee with a rod. He is defiled
That draws a sword on thee.
Demetrius (The Rock)
Yea, art thou there?
Oberon (Mr. Ass) in Lysander's voice
Follow my voice. We'll try no manhood here.
Demetrius and Oberon exit.
Lysander enters.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
He goes before me and still dares me on.
When I come where he calls, then he is gone.
The villain is much lighter-heeled than I.
I followed fast, but faster he did fly,
That fallen am I in dark uneven way,
And here will rest me. Come, thou gentle day,
For if but once thou show me thy gray light,
I'll find Demetrius and revenge this spite.
Helena enters and hits Lysander with a steel chair. He falls to the ground.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Revenge, Lysander? I'll give you revenge!
Demetrius and Oberon enter.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Oh, it's Demetrius! I must hide behind these bushes. Demetrius will get a special surprise from me when he least expects it.
Oberon (Mr. Ass) in Lysander's voice
Ho, ho, ho! Coward, why com'st thou not?
Demetrius (The Rock)
Abide me, if thou dar'st, for well I wot
Thou runn'st before me, shifting every place,
And dar'st not stand nor look me in the face.
Where art thou now?
Oberon (Mr. Ass) in Lysander's voice
Come hither. I am here.
Demetrius (The Rock)
Where?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Here!
Helena knocks Demetrius to the ground with one of Hermia's many Championship Belts.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Yet but three? Come one more.
Two of both kinds makes up four.
Here she comes, curst and sad.
Cupid is a knavish lad,
He's driven these four lovers mad.
Hermia enters.
Hermia (Tori)
Lysander? Are you sleeping?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Hello, Hermia.
Hermia (Tori)
Helena, you scared me! Hey, is that one of my Championship Belts?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
I was just borrowing it for a minute. You can have it back. Here.
Helena slaps Hermia with the Championship Belt.
Hermia falls, helpless.
Oh well, my work here is done.
Helena turns to exit.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Oh no! She can't leave. Think fast, Oberon.
Oberon throws the magic potion bottle into Helena's head. It shatters, spilling the potion all over her.
The force of the blow knocks Helena to the ground.
Brilliant! Brilliant! I am a genius! That idiotic Fairy Puck could never be as wise and resourceful as I.
Puck enters.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Oh, really, Oberon? Well, I am curious to see what you'll use for magic potion now that you've spilled it all.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Oh! Damn it, Puck. I mean, I meant to do that. Of course I did. I'm the King of the Fairies. Me! You're just a servant.
Puck reveals a Fairy wand wrapped in barbed wire.
Oberon exits quickly followed by Puck.
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 1 Act I Scene 2 Act II Scene 1 Act II Scene 2 Act III Scene 1
Act IV Scene 1 Act IV Scene 2 Act V Scene 1